It is saaddening to note that of just twenty-four blog entries so far this is already my second eulogy. I guess death remains one of the few rituals that still overwhelms me with emotions. An emotion that passes the restrictions of the mind and can directly affect my heart. So much so, that after a long time I am writing a blog entry not because my blog page needs it, but because I need it.
In life there are peaks and valleys of happiness. The problem with a peak is that you can't go higher without climbing down from there. Neither can you move deeper than a valley without climbing up the gorge first. A lot of our unhappiness isfelt when we are midway in a valley. So we don't really know what to say or do when we are the bottom. "Sab kuch theek ho jaayega", is an overused phrase in comforting someone. But its motive is clear. To replace the thought of an immediate loss with that of a distant hope of progress. But you feel orphanated without these words. What do you say when these words make no sense at all? Nothing, I guess. No smart phrases, no witty lines. Nothing, I felt, at least in my vocabulary, made sense. Just empathy. Maybe with time I'll know the right things to say, and maybe someday I'll say these things without meaning them. But till then I was happy to see I was dumbfounded with emotions. I've been delhified, but I've managed to remain human, so far.
I had to go and receive Monu at the airport yesterday. I had not told him about his mom, considering he would be traveling alone from Kolkata. Airports are interesting places in that they let you experience a life time of emotions at one place. Like in statistics it is known that sampling of one system over a period of n time units and sampling of n independent systems simultaneously yields the same information. Standing at the receiving gate you can feel the presence of a plethora of emotions around. I myself remember standing at the same place, not so long ago, awaiting the arrival for my sister, anticipating the times ahead. And there I stood yesterday, in front of the same information board, dreading the time ahead. It was the longest drive home. He was asking questions and I had no answer. I felt at a loss of words. I felt inadequate.
It was late yesterday by the time Monu arrived home, so the cremation was postponed till today. He exhibited the strongest will power I have ever come across. All his energies were channelized into arranging things and this attitude was contagious. I guess every one was waiting for someone to set an example as to how to react. Monu provided them that. Emotions were given the back seat and logistics required for the various rituals took over. It was then that I realized how the rituals around death are devised to soothe pain. There are rituals like bathing the dead body and adorning it with jewelery that caters to the female need to get it all out in tears. And there are rituals like carrying the dead body on shoulders, sorting out wood for the pyre, that are aimed at the male need to get distracted from emotions and reality. And then there is the symbolic gesture of hurtling the final bamboo stick over the burning pyre, indicating our last offering.
Coming back to the eulogy I think am incompetent in writing intelligently about Mrs.Krishna Singh. That job might be done by a lot of other people and much better than myself. I, on the other hand, am grieving the loss of "monu ki mummy" as she was for me. I remember numerous visits to Monu's place, and each time I'd find her working diligently in the kitchen, trying to make a home of the house she inhabited. She'd often force me to eat things she had cooked and often share her apprehensions about her sons. We came from different worlds and our gap was more than just ages. I come from a world where the biggest question on everyone's mind is 'what is the purpose of our lives'? She on the other hand lived for just one purpose - to take good care of her close ones. In my world that would be called a wasted life. In hers it was cherished and successful. I can't estimate the loss of the individual she was, but I know one loving mom in this world just passed away. The average affection in this world has dramatically decreased. May her soul rest in peace.
